Foot Model Wrangling: Makes Herding Cats Look Easy

I am the hostess of the San Francisco Footnight foot parties. This position puts me at the forefront of fielding complaints from foot lovers on a regular basis. I have to hear exactly why the parties aren’t this or that, and how I could do better. Everyone’s a critic within the foot fetish community. I’ve learned to take it in stride (no pun intended), and focus on what works when organizing events. This brings me to my latest gripe: Foot models and their bullshit excuses for last-minute cancellations.

I’ve reached the tipping point with this crap folks. Rather than waste my time individually admonishing you people (yes, I said you people), I’m taking my feelings public. It’s time that the guests and potential new foot models find out what the real story is behind organizing a foot party. I will do my best to keep things general, but I will most likely end up getting very specific. If you’re reading this and feel like I’m calling you–GOOD. Maybe you’ll understand the gravity of the situation your lack of reliability is causing. Maybe you’ll finally get it through that thick, albeit, pretty little skull of yours that your reputation is your word. Without that, you’re nothing in my book.

  1. Let’s learn some reading comprehension ladies! When the subject line of the email you receive says, FOOT PARTY IN “insert city name here,” read the name of the location and THEN figure out if you can travel to it. Subject lines are there for a reason. Imagine that? They are present to communicate vital information that usually gets glossed over within the body of the email. If you are a big baby and can’t possible drive yourself beyond a very tiny radius (OMG I HAVE TO DRIVE 20 MILES I THINK I’M GOING TO DIE), then make sure to inquire at the time you agree to attend as to whether or not the city of the event is within your comfort zone. We are so spoiled in the Bay Area. It’s like we need wooden boats to cross the Bay or something. If you add fifteen miles to crossing the Bay Bridge, then it’s like asking someone to circumvent the globe. I get it. You ladies are delicate flowers that can’t spend a lot of time in cars. Thus, you need to double and triple check that the city of the event is somewhere you can manage in your carriage. Yeah yeah, you  might not possess a worthy carriage and so that precludes you from more suburban destinations. I expect this so I purposely leave your group out of certain invites.
  2. Canceling on the same day of the event is bullshit. I guess no one fully understands how our model list works. It is based mainly on attempting to maintain a specific ratio of models to guests. Too many models, and we have disgruntled cats, I mean models, standing around looking sullen. Too few models and I get grumpy guests bitching to me about the lack of women there to worship. Mind you, I DO plan for these last minute cancellations since it seems that THEY ALWAYS HAPPEN LIKE CLOCKWORK. What really blows is when, despite having my back up models in place, I still end up short-handed. What gets me infuriated is when the excuses come in, and I know they are just complete baloney. If you “get sick” consistently before the parties, and you tell me this via email–I think you’re lying after the second time around. I have a news flash: if you are really ill, you’ll CALL ME and either speak to me in person or leave me a voice mail so I can at least hear it in your voice. Please put that type of effort into your lie, I mean excuse,  if you’re going to say you’re sick. Then are the all the boyfriend reasons. “My boyfriend said I can’t go.” “My boyfriend found out I’m a foot model.” The best one of this category is when “the boyfriend” emails me and tells me to take the model off the list because he doesn’t approve. IS THIS 1955???? What is WRONG with you ladies? We have all dated jerks, but if you keep doing it, then you need to examine your life. Why are you letting this man control your activities? If you’re not being honest with him, then don’t bring me into your bullshit relationship. When you use boyfriend excuses at 7:03 pm (party starts at 7 pm mind you), I see red. To sum things up, whatever excuse you tell me on the day of the party, I will think it isn’t real and that you’re unreliable. I will ban you from the next two parties, and most likely never request that you attend in the future. I don’t care how hot you are or how great your feet look. You’re not worth this organization’s time.
  3. Not showing up on time is inexcusable. EVERYONE is usually late to the parties. This includes guests and models. For the guests, it’s their dime so they show up when they are able. The models are a different story. I give a certain amount of leeway for traffic, or when there is a specific reason for tardiness. I expect most of the models to have figured out the finer points of Bay Area road congestion by now. There is as well as various apps (waze is one), for finding out a pretty accurate time of arrival to your destination based on current conditions. Not sure why everyone doesn’t use them, but I guess the “internets” is still a very scary place for some…
  4. No call, no show. Then there’s that…It means that I don’t receive any type of warning/excuse about not showing up. They are just magically absent. Unfortunately it’s usually the best-looking and most in-demand models who pull this crap. It happens after their second or third party. If you have ever wondered why we don’t have more blondes at the foot parties, this is why. EVERY SINGLE hot blonde foot model has ended up becoming unreliable after her third party. I currently only have one blonde model that I can count on–and she is amazing. I’m still stunned that she continues to show up, and even brings amazing friends with her.

This isn’t a complete list of what I have to deal with in the run up to a foot party, but it touches on the most irksome points. I’m hoping that my rant educates potential foot model applicants as to what NOT to do. Just because you’re pretty ladies, doesn’t mean you can get away with being unreliable!